Last chance saloon

So I bought a pregnancy test today the clear blue digital one (I've not tried the digital one before). Tomorrow will clear my mind whatever it says. I'm almost certain it will be negative which means Eden will never have a full blood sibling. That fact shouldn't bother me, I had completely accepted this fact from her conception through to her being a little over 12 months old. Then Andrew said 'lets give a relationship between us a go'.

It was never going to work between us, convenience and convention were the only 'positive' ties to keep the relationship going. So 2 months after it had started it was over. Now before I start my college course (on Monday) I want to have no niggling doubts haunting me.

It's that eternal pull which creates a war in my head between logic and a primary urge to nurture. It was so very intense before I had Eden and the only way I could silence it was with booze. I imagined that once I had one baby the feeling would disappear, it is certainly less intense but still there. The difference is now instead of comfort being in a bottle, it's in my Daughter.

I raise a white flag tomorrow whatever the answer, until the next time.